I was asked a while back if I was ever going to give her a different answer. When I asked about what, she said, “Every time I ask you how you are you say ‘I’m okay’”. I paused for a moment and since then I’ve been digesting that conversation, really thinking about it on a deeper level. Her question, while innocent, delivered a punch. I realized that my immediate response to that question is always, “I’m okay”.
It’s almost robotic in the way I just always say “I’m okay” as if I’m conditioned to answer this way. And as I dug deeper into this I discovered it’s because I’m scared to say “I’m good”. As someone who’s continuing a battle with depression, I find that it’s extremely difficult to consider myself “good”. Even if I’m having a great day, there is always this dark cloud just above. It may not always rain, but the storm is always waiting in the wings. Constantly ready for thunder and lightening to strike is no way to live at all.
As I’ve let these thoughts brew in my mind, I came to wonder: Why should I be afraid to be good? Even if something bad happens it doesn’t mean I’m not good. I am not my thoughts, after all…right? I deserve to be good. I deserve for “I’m good” to become my new response. I deserve to be comfortable with working towards “I’m great, thanks. How are you?” Even with the tools in my toolbox and the inner work I continue, there are still small things that impact my daily life and my mood without me even realizing it. These habits, ways of speaking (to yourself and others) can be detrimental to long term progress.
I encourage you to sit with your thoughts and actions. Go ahead and analyze your interactions and responses, with others and yourself. Are you being robotic? Are you being true to yourself? Or are you just thoughtlessly going through the motions?
Things don’t have to be perfect to be good, and good can look different for everyone but we all are worthy of it. So, I’m counting my blessings, exploring what “good” feels like to me and hanging up my umbrella.